no one ever lets me be friends with their mom 😔

friend’s mom checking up on me bc she adores me? i get a text from friend saying “STOP TEXTING MY MOTHER”. sister’s partner’s mom has similar interests as me? we have to play telephone through our respective family members bc asking for phone numbers gets an “absolutely not.” coworker’s mom is obsessed with all the shows that i am and is a chronic rewatcher as well? “no. NO. you are not gonna be tv watch buddies with my mom. that’s NOT happening.”

no one lets me have any fun

this is still so funny to me

i’ve been left unsupervised with a mom’s phone number

@tinyhermit this is gonna be me and your mom when you LEAVE ME

@lululeninn and i’ll relish it lol

It’s giveaway time!

I have 2 signed/personalized copies of All Hail the Underdogs up for grabs (shipped to you for free if you’re in the US). You have 2 ways to enter:

1. Like + Reblog this post
2. Make your own post rec'ing one of my books (or fic, if you'd rather) and tag me in it.

Or do both for 2 entries. The contest closes and I'll announce winners on Friday the 6th.

There's another contest happening on Instagram as well if you want to improve your chances of getting one!

Also! I ended up having to order more author copies of AHTU since I oversold the first 100 I offered. If you just want to pay ($20 w/shipping) for a signed/personalized one, you can email me at elmasseywrites@gmail.com.

Ok, ok. Here’s the blurb so any unfamiliar folks can be enticed into buying it:

When seventeen-year-old Patrick Roman is offered a scholarship to a top hockey preparatory school, he thinks maybe his notorious bad luck has finally ended. With a hearing for his legal emancipation on the horizon, he dreams of getting scouted and securing a place on a D1 college team. There’s only one problem: Roman has serious beef with his new winger on the team, Damien Bordeaux. They’re supposed to be perfectly in sync on the ice. But Roman, with his buzzcut and tattoos, has nothing in common with trust-fund-kid Damien, his floral scrunchies, and designer T-shirts that cost more than all of Roman’s secondhand hockey gear combined.

When eighteen-year-old Damien Bordeaux starts his senior year, he tells himself he’s going to focus on hockey and school. No more making out in the stacks, no more dorm parties. He needs to decide what his future will look like. Does he pursue his long-held dream of becoming an author? Or stay in his lane and do what he’s good at: hockey. Regardless, he’s not going to let any pretty boys distract him from figuring his shit out. Except his new center, Roman, is possibly the most beautiful boy Damien has ever seen. And his hockey—the way he moves on the ice—might be even more beautiful. Too bad he’s also probably a homophobic, racist asshole.

But their antagonistic beginning turns into an unlikely friendship and then turns into something much scarier for them both. Navigating relationships is hard enough for normal teenagers. It’s a lot harder when contending with lawyers, NHL scouts, and mutual past trauma. Roman and Damien have to decide: What do they really want in life? Are they willing to fight for each other—including fighting against their own pasts and prejudices—so they can have a happy ending?

YO SHOUT OUT TO THE BISEXUALS

IT'S FUCKIN SATURDAY!

THE BISEXUALS

bisexual orb

BI BALL SATURDAY

@tinyhermit TODAY IS ABOUT ME

@lululeninn HAPPY ABOUT YOU DAY! BALL IS LIFE AND LIFE IS BI

The debate of all time

If you don't like brownies then this poll is not for you. Please move along

Please rb if you vote

ALT

don’t forget during the WGA strike that animation is not covered under the WGA deals and as a result animation has gotten the shortest possible end of the stick in under-staffing, under-paying, and generally turning the field into gig employment.

please sign the petition here for Disney to recognize animation production workers as a union and reblog this post!

As of July 15, they are looking for about 9,000 more signatures. It takes less than one minute

im so hungry i could eat a h *looks at large horse in my room who has been waiting for an excuse to stomp me to death* human. i could eat a human

haha! that’s so relatable *stomps my hooves to quell my bloodlust*

Goddamn. Okay

Did you have a kid in your neighborhood who always hid so good, nobody could find him? We did. After a while we would give up on him and go off, leaving him to rot wherever he was. Sooner or later he would show up, all mad because we didn't keep looking for him. And we would get mad back because he wasn't playing the game the way it was supposed to be played.

There's hiding and there's finding, we'd say. And he'd say it was hide-and-seek, not hide-and-give-UP, and we'd all yell about who made the rules and who cared about who, anyway, and how we wouldn't play with him anymore if he didn't get it straight and who needed him anyhow, and things like that. Hide-and-seek-and-yell. No matter what, though, the next time he would hide too good again. He's probably still hidden somewhere, for all I know.

As I write this, the neighborhood game goes on, and there is a kid under a pile of leaves in the yard just under my window. He has been there a long time now, and everybody else is found and they are about to give up on him over at the base. I considered going out to the base and telling them where he is hiding. And I thought about setting the leaves on fire to drive him out. Finally, I just yelled, "GET FOUND, KID!" out the window. And scared him so bad he probably wet his pants and started crying and ran home to tell his mother. It's real hard to know how to be helpful sometimes.

A man I know found out last year he had terminal cancer. He was a doctor. And knew about dying, and he didn't want to make his family and friends suffer through that with him. So he kept his secret. And died. Everybody said how brave he was to bear his suffering in silence and not tell everybody, and so on and so forth. But privately his family and friends said how angry they were that he didn't need them, didn't trust their strength. And it hurt that he didn't say good-bye.

He hid too well. Getting found would have kept him in the game. Hide-and-seek, grown-up style. Wanting to hide. Needing to be sought. Confused about being found. "I don't want anyone to know." "What will people think?" "I don't want to bother anyone."

Better than hide-and-seek, I like the game called Sardines. In Sardines the person who is It goes and hides, and everybody goes looking for him. When you find him, you get in with him and hide there with him. Pretty soon everybody is hiding together, all stacked in a small space like puppies in a pile. And pretty soon somebody giggles and somebody laughs and everybody gets found.

Medieval theologians even described God in hide-and-seek terms, calling him Deus Absconditus. But me, I think old God is a Sardine player. And will be found the same way everybody gets found in Sardines - by the sound of laughter of those heaped together at the end.

"Olly-olly-oxen-free." The kids out in the street are hollering the cry that says "Come on in, wherever you are. It's a new game." And so say I. To all those who have hid too good. Get found, kid! Olly-olly-oxen-free.

— Robert Fulghum, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten"

*hitting you with a stick* no benoit blanc movies should not interact. they should not lead up to something. you need to detox from the marvel/sherlock bbc poisoning. they should be completely independent movies (maybe w some cameos/little references for fun) and go on for as long as there are stories rian johnson wants to tell in this universe. i do not want an overarching plot i do not want a team up i dont want a benoit-focused prequel i want some good old fashioned episodic murder mysteries that have nothing to do with each other!!!!!!!!!!! also rian johnson has literally said he's not gonna do a prequel and he wants the movies to all stand on their own

Wait... What? (Source)

@tinyhermit

To this day, I think my favorite film theory that I accept in my mind as canon is the theory that Shrek literally came up with his own name on the spot as he first meets Donkey

Apologies in advance for repeating some things that have been said on another tumblr post that I cannot find.

The catalyst from the theory comes from how uncertain he sounds when first introducing himself. The “uhhh……shrek” definitely sounds like something he kinda came up with on the spot. It’s even supported when he first introduces himself to Fiona, saying it in almost the same way.

But it’s a theory that seems to make sense. None of the signs or decorations in his swamp are marked with his name (unless you count the title card in the mud, but that’s probably not diagetic). There’s no record of his existence outside of simply “ogre”. And that’s all he’d ever really been to the world. The theme of him being seen as a monster is obviously seen throughout the movie quite a bit, but that can also be seen with how he’s addressed throughout the movie.

I took a look over the transcript for the point. Up until halfway through the movie, there are only two characters who say Shrek’s name. Shrek himself, once when introducing himself, and Donkey. The first time anyone else says his name is when he first saves Fiona and asks his name, still believing him to be Prince Charming. Of course, after finding how unorthodox he is and then learning he’s an ogre, she doesn’t refer to him by name at all until the next day after the Robin Hood encounter. At no point in the movie does anyone else say the word “Shrek”. Not even Lord Farquaad. Farquaad always refers to him as “the beast” or “this thing” or “the ogre”. And that’s part of the theme of how he is seen by the rest of the world. As far as he knows, he doesn’t have a name. He’s just…an ogre.

If this theory is true, then he never really thought of having a name. At least, not until he met Donkey. Donkey might have been the first person to ask him his name. And he wasn’t someone who just ran away from him, thinking he was some hideous beast. And that’s what made him decide to give Donkey his “name”. It’s what started to give him a sense of identity as being more than a monster. It’s a theory that massively improves the movie and I will live and die by it.

@lululeninn